What I Want

Nehemiah 2:4

The king said to me, ‘What is it you want?’ Then I prayed to the God of heaven.

Two days before Mother’s Day, my husband told me to check a site and see if I want to spend the weekend there. T’was a very nice hotel-resort and it offered half the price for their soft opening. I was thrilled. But with all our expenses coming up (my weekend in Manila, Rilian’s tuition fee, Windsong’s coming), I knew in my heart it wasn’t the right time for such a big treat. So we had to settle for our second best options. The settling part was challenging though. For one, I really don’t know what I want. When we finally agreed to try the best pizza in town, my indecisiveness took over the next day and it brought us to KFC instead. Seeing my husband’s almost-frustrated look, I pleaded for God’s help to save our special day. He did. And we even discovered a good family hangout we never thought we’d want.

Nehemiah’s planned conversation with King Artaxerxes was a big day for him.  As a cupbearer, he may have been asked for casual what-do-you-think’s but it was always in the context of the king asking him. Not the other way around.  For three to four months, he may have rehearsed the lines in his head. He even fasted for this day to come. I can’t say if his sad face was part of the plan, because it did give him a lot of chills. But it wasn’t when he was most afraid that the Bible noted that He prayed. Interestingly, he called for help at the time of favor and leniency.  Obviously it wasn’t because he wasn’t prepared with details. From LOA permission to life protection to log provision, he had it all OC-covered.   Why he prayed here was because more that seeking this king’s favor, Nehemiah knew he had to seek God’s first. It probably just lasted a second, but it was THE moment when he surrendered his idea of want and allowed God to move as He wanted.

What is it you want? The question might look like an easy ‘I wanna be a billionaire’ question. But really, do we have an answer for this? We all wished for a chance to face our own instant Artaxerxes (a.k.a. Santa or Alladin’s genie) to fulfill our life’s dreams. But will it really work? Didn’t married tycoons had their list realized but still can’t brag contentment? Truth is, we don’t know what’s best for us. We have no way of controlling what will work, what will fit us and what will not. But we have the God who does. He who holds the future also fashioned our inmost being and our every circumstance to work perfectly together. So given the chance to daily ask anything in prayer, always begin with ‘What is it that you want me to ask, Lord?’ Then yield.   

I Can’t

Nehemiah 1:1a; 11b

The words of Nehemiah son of Hakaliah: In the month of Kislev in the twentieth year, while I was in the citadel of Susa…. I was cupbearer to the king.

A day after we booked our December flight to be with our families on Christmas, my sister called to announce God’s big answer to our prayers: she’s finally graduating medical school! Considering her very long, difficult years enduring those thick books and erratic hospital duties, plus all the sacrifices my parents and relatives made in order to pay her six digit fees on time, it’s really a shout-out for everyone. It felt we’re all graduating with her. But my next question is, will our budget allow another flight back home this May? I even bluffed about a nice graduation gift instead just to see how she’d react with me not coming, and she pleaded as expected. And so although our finances says we can’t, Tris and I chose to work around the line how we can, and clicked that literally precious booking : )

Nehemiah likewise faced the same emotional height when the news about Judah came to his hearing. But his was on the other extreme. His heart escalated with the image of his lineage back home in great trouble and disgrace. With Jerusalem’s wall still broken down, his countrymen not only await enemy attacks, they were also daily ridiculed for their past sins which caused those ruins. But how different was Nehemiah from them? He himself acknowledged being one with his people in disobeying God. He can give the reason that he can’t receive heaven’s favor as well. How can he help? He’s out-of-the-country and can’t do much being far away from home. And, what can He do? Others may see his position as prominent being close to the king, but really, what can a cupbearer do? At the end of the day, he’s just another servant, without any power to promote Israel’s welfare.

If Nehemiah followed the track most of us usually take, this part of Israel’s history might have not been written. If he highlighted on the CAN’T and saw himself as unfit, unavailable, and unable, we will all not witness God’s strength made perfect in such weaknesses. Even Nehemiah’s unworthiness as a sinner God used to remind His people of His forgiveness and grace. His location abroad was exactly God’s image of reaching out to His people and calling out any and every vessel to save them. And, Nehemiah’s position as a cupbearer was part of the grander plan, whether you perceive it as a high or low post.  God has that reputation of turning a mess into a message. Our I CAN’Ts into HE CAN. His grace is all we need.

When Hope Seems Gone

Ezra 10:2

We have been unfaithful to our God …. but in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel.

News of the 16 year old UP student’s suicide last Friday not just caused grief but aroused anger among various communities. They were pointing at the state university’s cold-hearted treatment to the girl, who after failing to meet the P10K tuition fee deadline, was forced to file a leave of absence and surrender her well-loved school ID. Prof Martinez, her adviser, observed that ‘studying was her anchor, her lifesaver, her escape. When it was taken away from her, her life dilemmas sank in’.  ‘UP deprived my daughter of her only hope to help us’ her father said.  And it was that hopelessness that took her young life.

Even in the Bible, we see our faith heroes not exempt from seemingly hopeless times. Look at their quotable quotes:  from Moses ‘It is too heavy for me. Kill me I pray’; from Elijah ‘I have had enough Lord. Take me now’; and from Job and Jonah  ‘It is better for me to die than to live’. Indeed, desperate times call for desperate measures. But giving up negates all that God is. It pictures a God who provides not, sees not, cares not. It blames Him for the inequality of life. It denies His power to make miracles and turn lives around. It accuses His promises empty and calls Him a liar.  Sure, we don’t actually curse God when our faces hit the wall. Because truth is, most of the time, we haven’t been really calling at all. We are only alone when we choose isolation. And that’s where darkness lies.

In Ezra’s last chapter, guilt haunted all of Judah and they had every reason to succumb to fear. They knew they aroused God’s wrath by marrying pagan wives which was a direct and specific command. History told them exile was next, but Ezra expected the worst. It was in this distress that God used a man Shecaniah to bring light back into his eyes. Like King David, he knew it is better to fall in the hands of an angry God, for His mercy is great. That’s their hope. God’s their hope. In Him there is grace, there is forgiveness, there is future. In Him, there is always a way out. Jesus promised He will provide it. In fact, He even called Himself THE Way.  That’s why we shouldn’t give up on life. Instead, let’s give it all – our cares, our troubles, our pains - to Him who cares for us, and our lives, the most.

How Dare Me

Ezra 9:13

What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and our great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins deserved and have given us a remnant like this.

For two weeks now, God has been calling me to do something which I just don’t have feelings for.  I tried to manage the guilt by calling it mere delay and by compensating it with diligence in other worthwhile things. But who am I fooling here?  If I bring that alibi to a boss, I’d probably get fired. If I give it as an excuse to a professor,  I’d still flunk the course. If I offer that to my husband, he’d sure feel not loved at all. And if my kids do that to me, my kindest would be to nag them for days : )

Ezra's spirit was still high from their historical return from Babylon to Jerusalem when he heard the shocking news: the exiles were intermarrying. Why was that a big deal? First, it was their direct order from God not to. They were set apart as a nation under God and a marriage with a Gentile would compromise that bond. Second, it was exactly why they became slaves for seventy years in a foreign land, and in sin's bondage for many years prior that. The relationship of their kings and leaders with these pagan neighbors paved the way to idolatry resulting to God's wrath. And third, they all just got back from that mess! God’s word was clear to them that their release was so they could start anew with Him and be that holy nation again. Ezra sat down utterly appalled the whole day. Probably wondering how and if they could lift up their faces to God again.

‘Try offering your crippled sacrifices to your governor! Would he be pleased and accept you? Where is the honor due Me?’ Still, despite our evil deeds, God’s mercy still offered us clean slates in Christ. Even overwhelmed us with much grace after that. Now imagine Him hearing my ungrateful excuses to His call. Seriously? After all that He suffered on that Cross for me? Despite clearing my record of sins and shame? Add to that all the blessings I received from Him? How would His mercy appease His justice to pass over me again?  And so today, like Ezra, I had to throw myself down before the God who deserves utmost honor and my obedience. Oh how dare me : (

Love Day

Ezra 8:22

I was ashamed to ask the king for soldiers and horsemen to protect us from enemies on the road, because we had told the king, ‘The gracious hand of our God is on everyone who looks to him, but his great anger is against all who forsake him.’

Tris came home late last night with a pre-Valentine hot choco for me. I hugged him for his sweetness, then asked ‘Can I save it for tomorrow morning?’ Sensing it was the thrifty-me taking over, he spilled the beans why he went to Starbucks: to check out which drink and pastry he’ll surprise me with for breakfast. I again acknowledged the thought but told him I already prepared for that, and the special dinner. ‘I’ll just bring you home a special dessert!’ he said, still excitedly. But I told him the kids are set to surprise him with baking too. ‘So is there anything else I can surprise you with?’ he softly said.  Then I knew I was doing it all wrong.

Ezra’s task in chapter 8 was to bring home the second set of exiles from Babylon. God worked in Artaxerxes heart and they were given a go, and a lot of gold too. As he sat by the Ahava Canal, their meeting place, he probably visualized the journey a hundred times in his head and noted all the ifs and buts ahead. The distance was around nine hundred miles by foot and the danger of bandits were real. In his heart was the urge to request Artaxerxes for bodyguards. A just in case. Nothing seemed wrong with that, except that he gave the testimony of God’s gracious hand on them. It would contradict his claim of God’s protection if he’ll ask for more protection. And so for God’s honor, he quenched his human reasoning’s pull.  He entrusted everyone and everything to God, and He never failed them.

1 Corinthians 13 says love protects. In my story and Ezra’s, it is that call for the honor of the ones we love. Relationship verses almost always have or imply that those two words go together. That is, for parents and children, husband and wife, and brethren to brethren, to honor one another. And what exactly does protecting their honor look like? Let’s use the word defense. It is that which blocks all the arrows intended for the city. To us, it means forsaking our convenience and security, status or idea, even personal plans, for the sake of God’s honor and those that we love. It is their name above ours, their preference over ours, their interest not ours. Now that’s a lot like love.

Better with Names

Ezra 8:15

I assembled them at the canal that flows toward Ahava, and we camped there three days. When I checked among the people and the priests, I found no Levites there.

With Holy Week coming up early this year, my hands are already full in preparation for our church’s summer VBS. For starters, I have next week’s kick off to focus on. The pressure is to make it an exciting and excellent first impression. With the task manuals printed, schedules to follow, PPT presentation checked and invitations set, the OC-in-me bugs me of what I might still have missed. And again, like last year, God’s word came right on cue.  

Opening on chapter 8, a list of names welcomed me. I quickly rushed through the thirteen verses thinking it was just one of those lineage thing-y. I jumped to the verse noted above and the phrase ‘(Ezra) found no Levites there’ hit me.  With around thousands of people gathered there, he found one tribe wanting: the Levites. What’s happening here was, supposedly, they were the second wave of remnants who will return to Jerusalem. The temple was already rebuilt, but not so much true worship. Ezra, being a scribe in the line of Aaron, was called for this reform.  Seeing no Levites in his team posed a problem. Only these people were set apart to assist the priests in the temple work. Without them, the priests will probably multi-task. No reason was given why they didn’t respond to the recruitment call. Some said, it may be because it was no position of prominence. Regardless, Ezra did not leave without their representation. And when they arrive, each of their names were likewise registered.

When I imagined Ezra writing their names, I also saw him asking their father’s line and meeting the family they brought along with. That’s ‘taking time’. I may understand that the scribe-in-him bugged him on these details, but the fact that the Scripture gave them one-fourth page is something. It made me realize how each name in my volunteer list is as important as my tasks on hand. It readied my heart for possible ‘no-show’ and that I should seek them out and wait on them. Not because Ezra did it. But because God Himself sought the lost-me, called me by name, and relates with me to this time. I know better how that feels like. Time to do better is what’s next.