I Can’t

Nehemiah 1:1a; 11b

The words of Nehemiah son of Hakaliah: In the month of Kislev in the twentieth year, while I was in the citadel of Susa…. I was cupbearer to the king.

A day after we booked our December flight to be with our families on Christmas, my sister called to announce God’s big answer to our prayers: she’s finally graduating medical school! Considering her very long, difficult years enduring those thick books and erratic hospital duties, plus all the sacrifices my parents and relatives made in order to pay her six digit fees on time, it’s really a shout-out for everyone. It felt we’re all graduating with her. But my next question is, will our budget allow another flight back home this May? I even bluffed about a nice graduation gift instead just to see how she’d react with me not coming, and she pleaded as expected. And so although our finances says we can’t, Tris and I chose to work around the line how we can, and clicked that literally precious booking : )

Nehemiah likewise faced the same emotional height when the news about Judah came to his hearing. But his was on the other extreme. His heart escalated with the image of his lineage back home in great trouble and disgrace. With Jerusalem’s wall still broken down, his countrymen not only await enemy attacks, they were also daily ridiculed for their past sins which caused those ruins. But how different was Nehemiah from them? He himself acknowledged being one with his people in disobeying God. He can give the reason that he can’t receive heaven’s favor as well. How can he help? He’s out-of-the-country and can’t do much being far away from home. And, what can He do? Others may see his position as prominent being close to the king, but really, what can a cupbearer do? At the end of the day, he’s just another servant, without any power to promote Israel’s welfare.

If Nehemiah followed the track most of us usually take, this part of Israel’s history might have not been written. If he highlighted on the CAN’T and saw himself as unfit, unavailable, and unable, we will all not witness God’s strength made perfect in such weaknesses. Even Nehemiah’s unworthiness as a sinner God used to remind His people of His forgiveness and grace. His location abroad was exactly God’s image of reaching out to His people and calling out any and every vessel to save them. And, Nehemiah’s position as a cupbearer was part of the grander plan, whether you perceive it as a high or low post.  God has that reputation of turning a mess into a message. Our I CAN’Ts into HE CAN. His grace is all we need.

How Dare Me

Ezra 9:13

What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and our great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins deserved and have given us a remnant like this.

For two weeks now, God has been calling me to do something which I just don’t have feelings for.  I tried to manage the guilt by calling it mere delay and by compensating it with diligence in other worthwhile things. But who am I fooling here?  If I bring that alibi to a boss, I’d probably get fired. If I give it as an excuse to a professor,  I’d still flunk the course. If I offer that to my husband, he’d sure feel not loved at all. And if my kids do that to me, my kindest would be to nag them for days : )

Ezra's spirit was still high from their historical return from Babylon to Jerusalem when he heard the shocking news: the exiles were intermarrying. Why was that a big deal? First, it was their direct order from God not to. They were set apart as a nation under God and a marriage with a Gentile would compromise that bond. Second, it was exactly why they became slaves for seventy years in a foreign land, and in sin's bondage for many years prior that. The relationship of their kings and leaders with these pagan neighbors paved the way to idolatry resulting to God's wrath. And third, they all just got back from that mess! God’s word was clear to them that their release was so they could start anew with Him and be that holy nation again. Ezra sat down utterly appalled the whole day. Probably wondering how and if they could lift up their faces to God again.

‘Try offering your crippled sacrifices to your governor! Would he be pleased and accept you? Where is the honor due Me?’ Still, despite our evil deeds, God’s mercy still offered us clean slates in Christ. Even overwhelmed us with much grace after that. Now imagine Him hearing my ungrateful excuses to His call. Seriously? After all that He suffered on that Cross for me? Despite clearing my record of sins and shame? Add to that all the blessings I received from Him? How would His mercy appease His justice to pass over me again?  And so today, like Ezra, I had to throw myself down before the God who deserves utmost honor and my obedience. Oh how dare me : (

What’s Your Alibi?

1 Chronicles 9:33

Those who were musicians, heads of Levite families, stayed in the rooms of the temple and were exempt from other duties because they were responsible for the work day and night.

Given a chance to time travel, most of us would probably choose our teenage years to go back to. Marked with fun, friends, and freedom, t’was all benefits without much responsibilities, yet. And the little we’re assigned to, say chores, validated our idea that staying home was b-o-r-i-n-g, and our parents, killjoys. We all had our shares of schemes to escape their snares. My excuse of piano practice was a triumph over dishwashing. Yours probably ranges from studying-for-an-exam-tomorrow to not-feeling-well to i-swear-i-didn’t-hear-you-call. We had a great laugh with our peers thinking those wits prevailed. Now we know better that it wasn’t our parents' loss at all, nor were they ever clueless to those lame alibis. 

If there’s a temple task which probably was most unpopular to young Levites in biblical times, it was the gatekeeper’s job.  More like today’s security guards, the assignment calls for one to man the entrance-exit doors, makes sure no one or nothing unclean comes in, and nothing valuable goes out. You’re up all night as watchman, and first to wake up for the keys. Yours is the prelude and the postlude, but never the main thing. All the important happenings are inside, and you can’t participate, can’t even peek. You’d wish you’re a musician instead. Their place is always on the forefront, if not upstage. Their task seems more like a hobby than a job. And hear this: they’re exempt from all temple duties! No inventories, no cleaning stuff. I know the feeling. As a non-singer in Windsong, my tasks in a concert is setting up tables, carrying big, dirty CD boxes, and manning the booth. It’s nothing ‘glorious’ compared to my friends in their make ups and costumes, and be congratulated after. But their exemption from menial tasks is not because God granted them a special pass of excuse. Musicians were exempt in one because they were responsible for another. They too had to work day and night.  It may seem flawless on stage, but it came from years of training and discipline rods.  They may look very privileged to sing praises in the very presence of God, but have we considered the weight of maintaining such high, righteous standards?

When David uttered ‘I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked’, he wasn’t referring to a positional task in extreme low compared to his kingly post.  What he was saying was anywhere, even that outside the temple, is THE better place because God is in it. In verse 20, a man named Phinehas was mentioned as in charge of the gatekeepers and that ‘the Lord was with him’.  Let us realize then, that whatever God assigned us to do, the prominence ingredient is not our side of the work, but God taking His place. In His kingdom, He measures our worth not by our occupational profession but on our profession of faith in Christ. To that, no pride nor poverty can serve as an excuse. He may exempt you, but He will not exclude you. No post is nearer to God. That’s no alibi. You may just have chosen to walk farther away.